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Surviving A Son’s Christmas Day Suicide

I am humbled by the outpouring of support, Prayers and love my family has received since Jordan’s suicide.
Jordan’s ashes are home with us now.
I had hoped this would ease our sorrow.
It did not.
It made the horror of picturing my 29 year old son, my second born, my baby. …. hanging in a strangers laundry room.
A family who had just extended their charitable souls and taken in my son and his wife so as they were not homeless, freezing and stranded in a town called Black Diamond, Alberta.
On Christmas morning. Forever shattering the concept of Christmas cheer forevermore. Not only for my family, but also my daughter-in-laws and the family that had taken them in. And many more lives that Jordan in his short life.
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I will never be the same. I have a hollowness deep in my heart. No parent should outlive their child.
Especially a father who has spent, and still is, battling late stage, non treatable Squamous Cell Carcinoma. I have defied death for over 15 months now and the various doctors no not how.
For the past year I often wondered why I have survived. Mind you I live each day now hoping it is not my last. I have been warned that death could come at any time via heart attack or blocked airway.
I truly believe that the reason I am still here is that I had a “calling” that the Creator had assigned to me.
That calling being here for Jordan’s mother; my wife of 40 years, Jennifer and his elder brother, Randy and younger brother, Dakota.
I am trying to stay together. Stay strong. Put on the brave face. I am trying.
My son is gone. A horrible death caused by a bad decision made under the dark cloak of depression and despair.
We will soon have raised enough to have a memorial service and get together in his honour. Celebrate his short tragic life.
And that, I fear, is when my wife and I will realize, “Our baby is gone. Forevermore.”
Unlike the lyrics to the theme song of the TV series “M*SH”, suicide is not painless.
It brings on many changes.
I hope that I can handle what happens next.
I Pray that I live long enough to guide my family onto the road of acceptance – for I do not see “healing” a reality. Only the accepting the fact our son is gone.
If you are having dark times reach out – please do not resort to self harm. Suicide kills your families and your loved ones from the inside out.
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