Opinions and Thoughts of LightHouse Dann Verner - Just as he is!

Final Preparations For Jordan’s Celebration of Life February the first is just about here. A day I dread.   The day my wife, Jennifer, my oldest son, Randy, my youngest son, Dakota must say our farewell   to our son and their brother. For those who have asked, here are the details and location of the Service and Reception. Saturday, February 1, 2020 at 4 PM – 7 PM at the Canadian Legion Hall Number 73, 2 Robinson Avenue, Toronto,  (Danforth Avenue and Danforth Road) Anxiety is high for the family. I am worried for my wife. She has been staying strong as she can. Yet, I know how she feels inside. I know she is hiding ninety-nine percent of her pain. She is brave that way. Forget not that she is also watching me slowly deteriorate. Everyday wondering if this is the day Dann passes from his cancer? A father’s love is like no other, also, A strong genetic companionship of the Alpha and his Beta’s. ` Daddy Know`s Best ` so follow your Father and learn to be a good ma...

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Stress is killing me. Literally. Those who know me understand why I say this. Medically, since November 11th, 2016,  I have battled through nine kidney surgical procedures. Including one that became infected and resulted with damaging my heart. My first Laparoscopic Surgery My heart has been iffy since an electrical accident in 1989, whereas I suffered electrocution resulting in a major heart attack. For eighteen months I suffered with pericarditis. Then came 1999. The most tragic year of my life. During the month of February I noticed that with every step I took I felt a “shock” up my spine. On March the fourth it became so severe I attended the emergency department at my local hospital. March the fifth I was in surgery having my C2, C3, c5 and C6 dissected.  They used bone from my hip and Titanium Semple plates to re-build my neck. I was five foot nine before the surgery and five foot seven after. I passed away during the operation. After a forty ...

I cry at night. I cry during daylight hours, also.   But my daylight tears are dry and concealed by fake smiles and forced humour.  My nighttime tears are lonely for they escape while no other person is near.  They are like tiny fugitives sneaking from my eyes,  burning pathways of despair and shame. Leaving damp roadways of pain and guilt as they trickle down my face and splash painfully onto my chest to form a tiny pool of anguish in the indentation directly above my heart. Since my unplanned birth that fifth day of October, 1957, I have cried.  Are newborns aware of what their lives are to be?  Was I aware that my parents would nickname me "Boo Boo"? The constant reminder that my existence was a nusence. An unplanned mistake most likely the result of intoxicated fueled lust. Did infant Danny know that day that he was not wanted?  That of the three children of Mr. and Mrs. H.Verner it would be he who would be tossed to the wolves ...

I AM TIRED. ....VERY TIRED ​As I sit here fighting this demon at three o'clock in the morning,  I am totally ashamed and disgusted with myself for what I have done to my life and the affect it has upon my child. I cannot recall one minute of my past existence that can compare to the disaster which I now am living. I am lost. I am broken.  I am repairable and I know which path I should be walking on, but I cannot repair myself.  Deep down inside I am struggling with a very dark entity and I am riddled with guilt,  shame, weakness and dangerous emotions. I know I am mentally  stronger than most people.  I know that all things must pass I know I will never take the cowards way out of this sorrow.  I know that I am truly loved by many, many beautiful souls, for it is their love and friendship that fuels my fighter and  logical self. BUT ...... I must confess that I am weak -  I am so very tired.   I fear I have not the ps...

So, touchy subject, 'SUICIDE' - I do believe you all may have heard of this quirky little characteristic you humans have. This evening, after a few accidental shots of good old old Wray & Nephew combined with the cancer meds, my lust for kush weed and the newly acquired pneumonia meds. (Yes folks on top of everything else I now have pneumonia - I had a different one in the sixties behind the high school - she spelt her name"Knew Moanforya - just saying) Ok, come on here - damn - suicide is a serious thing!!!!!! ' I know this as fact - I actually did kill myself before and was brought back by two burly EMS angels and a divine misconception or maybe intervention.'    You can read briefly about it in my previously published : "I COMMITTED SUICIDE ONCE" http://dannverner.blogspot.com/2008/07/i-committed-suicide-once.html?spref=bl Now, what brought me to sit and dance on these keys this fine evening was a...