I AM TIRED ........ SO VERY TIRED

I AM TIRED. ....VERY TIRED

​As I sit here fighting this demon at three o'clock in the morning,  I am totally ashamed and disgusted with myself for what I have done to my life and the affect it has upon my child.

I cannot recall one minute of my past existence that can compare to the disaster which I now am living.

I am lost. I am broken.  I am repairable and I know which path I should be walking on, but I cannot repair myself. 

Deep down inside I am struggling with a very dark entity and I am riddled with guilt,  shame, weakness and dangerous emotions.

I know I am mentally  stronger than most people.  I know that all things must pass

I know I will never take the cowards way out of this sorrow. 

I know that I am truly loved by many, many beautiful souls, for it is their love and friendship that fuels my fighter and  logical self.

BUT ...... I must confess that I am weak -  I am so very tired.  

I fear I have not the psychological  nor physical strength left in me to go on.

But, yet I must for only a coward would take the easy way out.

Only a coward would be so selfish enough  to inflict such sorrow on those that allow him  to call them "friend".

I am not a coward by any means.

I am so very tired. 

I pray constantly to my God that she may Bless upon me yet again her guidance,  her LOVE and allow me to get back onto a better highway of life.

I pray that soon I will be able to hold my head high without this shame. That I shall become a man who laughs and absorbs life's beautiful moments once again. 

I ask for forgiveness daily - both from my God and my friends. 

The shame I am carrying cannot be any worse than it is at this time. 

I have lost a huge portion of my "manhood" - I have stood by and watched it slowly swirl down the toilet.

I ASK ALL OF MY  BEAUTIFUL FRIENDS TO HELP ME GET PAST THIS HORRIBLE BATTLE. 

I ask that you do not feel my shame and that no matter what, that you continue to allow me to bath in your love and friendship. 

I am usually very strong and fight my demons efficiently,  but I have little strength left to battle them again.

If I lose my place to live and scar my child's life I honestly do not know if I will be able to face the broken man in my mirror. 

I used to be a contender - now I am a broken soul who has no solution to his problems. 

For the first time in my hard life I  must confess that this old Lighthouse is afraid - I cry all night, every night. I'm scared beyond my control and with that fright comes a shame so strong.

I do not know if I shall ever be able to hold my head high again.  I do not know if I will ever be able to deserve the real love you all have for me.

Personally I do not feel I deserve such an honour.

I love ALL of you beyond compare

I am broken and I apologize to all of you for the shame and sorrow I have brought into our friendship. 

Here is a link to my  "gofundme" campaign.  I feel so embarrassed. 

http://www.gofundme.com/need-help-stabilizing-my-life-2uywn3rc

Forgive me  please.

Namaste'