Skip to main content

I AM TIRED ........ SO VERY TIRED

I AM TIRED. ....VERY TIRED

​As I sit here fighting this demon at three o'clock in the morning,  I am totally ashamed and disgusted with myself for what I have done to my life and the affect it has upon my child.
I cannot recall one minute of my past existence that can compare to the disaster which I now am living.
I am lost. I am broken.  I am repairable and I know which path I should be walking on, but I cannot repair myself. 
Deep down inside I am struggling with a very dark entity and I am riddled with guilt,  shame, weakness and dangerous emotions.
I know I am mentally  stronger than most people.  I know that all things must pass
I know I will never take the cowards way out of this sorrow. 
I know that I am truly loved by many, many beautiful souls, for it is their love and friendship that fuels my fighter and  logical self.
BUT ...... I must confess that I am weak -  I am so very tired.  
I fear I have not the psychological  nor physical strength left in me to go on.
But, yet I must for only a coward would take the easy way out.
Only a coward would be so selfish enough  to inflict such sorrow on those that allow him  to call them "friend".
I am not a coward by any means.
I am so very tired. 
I pray constantly to my God that she may Bless upon me yet again her guidance,  her LOVE and allow me to get back onto a better highway of life.
I pray that soon I will be able to hold my head high without this shame. That I shall become a man who laughs and absorbs life's beautiful moments once again. 
I ask for forgiveness daily - both from my God and my friends. 
The shame I am carrying cannot be any worse than it is at this time. 
I have lost a huge portion of my "manhood" - I have stood by and watched it slowly swirl down the toilet.
I ASK ALL OF MY  BEAUTIFUL FRIENDS TO HELP ME GET PAST THIS HORRIBLE BATTLE. 
I ask that you do not feel my shame and that no matter what, that you continue to allow me to bath in your love and friendship. 
I am usually very strong and fight my demons efficiently,  but I have little strength left to battle them again.
If I lose my place to live and scar my child's life I honestly do not know if I will be able to face the broken man in my mirror. 
I used to be a contender - now I am a broken soul who has no solution to his problems. 
For the first time in my hard life I  must confess that this old Lighthouse is afraid - I cry all night, every night. I'm scared beyond my control and with that fright comes a shame so strong.
I do not know if I shall ever be able to hold my head high again.  I do not know if I will ever be able to deserve the real love you all have for me.
Personally I do not feel I deserve such an honour.
I love ALL of you beyond compare
I am broken and I apologize to all of you for the shame and sorrow I have brought into our friendship. 
Here is a link to my  "gofundme" campaign.  I feel so embarrassed. 
Forgive me  please.
Namaste'
Labels:
Location: Scarborough, Toronto, ON, Canada

Comments

Post a Comment

Your opinion means much to me - we all have one, so, please, leave a comment....Namaste'

Popular posts from this blog

Court still prohibits marijuana possession

Court still prohibits marijuana possession Shannon Kari, National Post Published: Thursday, December 11, 2008 The prohibition against simple possession of marijuana has been upheld by an Ontario Superior Court judge, in a closely watched case that stemmed from the prosecution of Clifford Long, who was arrested by Toronto police with $40 worth of cannabis. Justice Eva Frank overturned a decision by a lower court judge last year that found there was no valid restriction against possession of cannabis because of flaws with the country's medical marijuana regulations. The lower court decision led to confusion about prosecuting simple possession cases in Ontario, said the federal government in its arguments before Judge Frank earlier this year. The federal Crown argued that the present policies of Health Canada have resulted in enough marijuana for the nearly 2,000 people with medical certificates to possess the drug. Judge Frank agreed with the arguments made by federal government lawy
Post a Comment
Read more

Demons Of Guilt

Menu The LightHouse Dann Verner Some say my that my life has been a tragic sad tale. Only from their view point. Having lived through my life I can say it has been a damn good ride. I fear not dying for to die is final. To be waiting for that one final jolt of pain is extremely difficult to deal with. DEMONS OF GUILT This is a reflection of the pain I am going through as I finish my son’s biography. Delaney Jordan McLean Verner, 29 years old. Jordan “Bubba” Verner On Christmas morning 2019, hung himself in a town called Black Diamond . An obscure town in the underbelly of Alberta, Canada. He and his wife of 12 years, Katelyn had gone their to start a new life. Hoping to escape the homelessness rut and street life they were “Groundhog Day “  living on the streets of Toronto, Ontario, Canada. A dream that collapsed and left them stranded, freezing and hungry. Only to have Alberta Social Services rudely tell him and his wife to “Go home”. By any way they could. But, a big “but”….. Adding
Post a Comment
Read more

My Opinion Regarding the Israeli/Hamas War

  Listen to this episode on Spotify or wherever you stream podcasts. How can it be all right for one side of a war ( Israel)  to bomb innocent civilians, but not okay for the other side ( Hamas)  to do so? Common sense would tell you that the majority of the people living in the Gaza strip are not supporters of the barbarism of the Hamas. They would much rather be living peaceful lives. Not living under the reign of fear from the Hamas. Largest part of the Gaza strip problem is that if the Hamas were to allow the innocent to leave, where could they go? Israel? Egypt? The majority of the Palestinian people are in the same boat as the average citizen of Afghanistan, Iraq or Syria. They are labeled and condemned by the actions of their governing leaders. The terrorist government controls every and all aspects of their everyday lives. You can not believe that all Palestinian citizens want to go to war. Their hands are tied and their voices are silenced by their leaders If they were to spea
Post a Comment
Read more