The True Shape I'm In

I am going to be very blunt and honest regarding how my life has turned out at the age of sixty. How, with the exception of a handful of people, I go through life extremely un-noticed and forgotten.

As a point of “reference” I shall use song lyrics to emphasize certain points.

The Bands – ‘THE SHAPE I’M IN’ was the first thing I heard this morning and it reduced me to tears.

Precisely, the first two verses …

“Go out yonder, peace in the valley
Come downtown, have to rumble in the alley
Oh, you don’t know the shape I’m in

Has anybody seen my lady?
This living alone will drive me crazy
Oh, you don’t know the shape I’m in”

My life is such a struggle that often I see no way to go forward.

Yet, I have no choice but to keep going on.

I have the responsibility of being a single parent and the lives of my two gorgeous dogs.

My child and my dogs are why I am still here.

We go without. Without food, without laundry money, without everyday things most take for granted.

Since my finances were ‘hacked’ we have suffered severely.

I begin every single day with tears – wondering where I am finding our next meal. Trying to get four dollars together so my son can attend school and if lucky another six dollars so he may have lunch while at school.

This brings a shame on my shoulders and soul that I cannot handle.

As the song states,

“You don’t know the shape I’m in.”

How could you? I hide it well.

Only a handful of people who know me know how difficult my life is and how it is taking its toll on my body, mind and soul.

On top of my monetary strife, there lays the hollow pain of being alone.

Very alone.

When I was a drug dealer, party animal and drunk I had constant companionship.

I had five girlfriends who all knew each other and often all six of us enjoyed many a day and night living the “good life” together.

When my conscience could no longer allow me to continue selling drugs, explosives and guns and I walked away from that life, everything changed.

Like the cabin of an airplane de-pressurizing and sucking all my “good homies” and “loved ones” out the hatch.

My apartment and wallet became a vacant lot.

My heart became even emptier.

Hence, this lyric explains what floats through my heart and eats a hole in my soul …

“Has anybody seen my lady?
This living alone will drive me crazy
Oh, you don’t know the shape I’m in”

Genetically we are born to have companionship.

My loneliness is a cancer, it is eating me physically and mentally.

I would be a liar if I were to tell you that I haven’t had suicidal thoughts.

Because I do.

But, I’m a survivor, always have been, since the day of my unwanted birth.

To quote the theme from“MASH”

“Suicide is painless, it brings on many changes”

Suicide would only destroy my child’s life and certainly lead to my beloved puppies being separated and living a sad lonely existence with strangers.

I could never do that to my loved ones.

So, this verse from The Band speaks multitudes of how my thought patterns work.

“I’m gonna go down by the water
But I ain’t gonna jump in, no, no
I’ll just be looking for my neighbor
And I hear that’s where she’s been?”

I am deeply and completely in love with my two soul mates, Terry and Maria.

Yet, our love is not natural. It’s definitely one-sided.

I have succumbed to the realization that we will always be apart.

Yes, I am extremely lonely.

To quote ‘The Rolling Stones’ ….

“You can’t always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you get what you need.”

Yea, no, you don’t even get what you need. Maybe you do and I have yet to get ‘mine.’

No worries, I will go down to the water, but I’ll never jump in.

Might be my cowardice or, hopefully, I am braver than I even know.

I will always go on. Life doesn’t allow me not to, only death can bring that solace. I am not ready for that yet.

I left home at twelve, never to return. Forty-eight long years ago.

Almost five decades of survival in an unforgiving lifestyle.

I have experienced and saw things that few could even imagine.

I look at the state my life is in as yet another of the many penances I must pay for the past lives I lived.

“Don’t do the crimes if you can’t do the time.”

I will not re-hash my beliefs in your ‘Gods’. Precise to say, I know I am serving the sentence for all I have done.

As The Band’s following verse says …..

“Out of nine lives, I spent seven
Now, how in the world do you get to Heaven?
Oh, you don’t know the shape I’m in”

The only exception to these lyrics is we do not have ‘nine’ lives, the ‘eighth’ is our final Walk in space/time.

Often I gaze upon people and wonder if they even see the real me.

Like ‘Pink Floyd’ sings,

“Is there anybody out there? Just nod if you can hear me.”

I would be totally screwed if not for the love of my ‘nephewson’ and his beautiful wife. They are often my saviors.

I also have a handful of others who do care and help as much as possible.

My favorite cousin and his spouse, Bob and April, have helped me more than many others.

I have a few friends, ( they know who they are), who also help often, even though they are in the same leaking boat I am in.

It is a sad statement of society when it is the poorest of the poor who help the poorest of the poor.

I can only do what I can I do. I make a few dollars writing my books. I lack the funds to promote them properly. That will come in time. I live off the charity of those who truly care most days.

I appreciate that assistance beyond any words I am capable of to convey to them.

I am thankful for having ‘life’, it could be worse.

I shed tears daily for the position my life is in and what affect it has on my child.

I worry how all this severe struggle has aged my broken body and soul.

Here on Mother’s Day I sit with my handsome boy and two spoiled Chorkie pups in an apartment with only a dining room table, three chairs, an air mattress for myself to sleep upon and a bed for my son.

We live like we are in a third world environment.

Yet, we still smile, we still love.

And life will go on – with hope that someday, some how things will get better.

For, all I have left is hope.

I have shed my morning tears, I have gazed at my shame in the mirror.

I cannot quell the voices in my head asking me what I am to do next. For, I know not what to do ……………..

Namaste’ my friends.

Life goes on.

---

The Shape I’m In”
(from “The Last Waltz” soundtrack)

Go out yonder, peace in the valley
Come downtown, have to rumble in the alley
Oh, you don’t know the shape I’m in

Has anybody seen my lady?
This living alone will drive me crazy
Oh, you don’t know the shape I’m in

I’m gonna go down by the water
But I ain’t gonna jump in, no, no
I’ll just be looking for my neighbor
And I hear that’s where she’s been? Oh!

Out of nine lives, I spent seven
Now, how in the world do you get to Heaven?
Oh, you don’t know the shape I’m in

I just spent 60 days in the jailhouse
For the crime of having no dough
Now here I am back out on the street
For the crime of having nowhere to go

Save your neck or save your brother
Looks like it’s one or the other
Oh, you don’t know the shape I’m in

Now two young kids might start a ruckus
You know they feel you trying to shuck us
Oh, you don’t know the shape I’m in

All credit for “The Shape I’m In” go to “THE BAND”, songwriter “Robbie Robertson, and “CAPITAL RECORDS”