Am I a Lonely Single Or Am I Singularly Alone?

 

Am I a lonely single or am I singularly alone?

Damn, that’s a hard question to answer.

Let’s explore my thoughts on this and, hopefully, set my mind at ease.

Firstly, from birth through my adolescence I was definitely lonely. Extremely lonely if truth be told.

My mother separated from my father when I was six months old. At first Father attempted his best to be a father to me. A difficult task as, apparently, I was quite the whirlwind of overstimulated, hyperactive, carefree spirit.

Eventually this led to my being put in “The Foster Care System“.

Thirty-two placements in the first six years. I kid you not.

For reasons unbeknownst to me, they, being the Catholic Children’s Aid, could not find a placement for an extremely troubled infant. Yes, I was an infant.

Think about that. Can you imagine what must have been taking place in my head?

Thirty-one families that could not handle me between the ages of one and six years of age.

Placement number thirty-two was a divine intervention as far as I am concerned.

I still remember as clear as it was yesterday arriving at the home of Doreen and Raymond Forward. We knocked on their door and when Mrs. Forward opened it their huge Black Labrador, Skipper, immediately started licking my face and singing. It was as if he had been awaiting my arrival.

That day was the first time in my life that I felt the sensation of safety and security.

I lived with the Forwards until I was ten years old. Four years of being loved and understood. Four years of a love I did not understand. For I knew nothing of love.

Unfortunately, my father married my beautiful Step-Mother, Marion. (Note: we have never used the term ‘Stepmother or brother or sister’ in our family.)

They brought me to their home. Father had hoped and thought that I would fit in automatically.

I lasted two years. In my damaged mind I could not convince myself that I was a part of my father’s new little family.

To me it was yet again one more ‘placement‘.

Definitely I was a lonely child. Longing for what my young mind perceived as “Family Life“. However, how did my mind expect me to realize something that was as foreign to me as the doctrines of the Aztecs.

My conceived image was based upon nothing. I had no concept of family or parental and child bond.

At 12 years of age, I struck out into the world. A runaway from the social machine and “parenting for hire.” A lost child seeking companionship of any sort.

I found that in my family of street friends. Brothers and sisters of a different kind. For I could not consider my blood siblings “family”.

(How could I when I knew nothing of them? It is a given that they knew zilch about me.)

So, even in a commune or a crowded squat surrounded by other lost souls, I remained lonely of heart.

Fast forward to my early twenties.

I had purchased my first wife from her mother for fifty Canadian dollars and the promise of marriage.

The sex and arguments fooling my mind into believing that I was no longer lonely. The relationship based on the constant sex, drugs and rock and roll. Me, straight out of a maximum security federal penitentiary with six years of missed orgasms to catch up on. Heck, I would have married the first woman who could have afforded to pay for the wedding. (Oh wait, I did that.)

After eight months of drunken husbandry and a divorce, I came to the realization that I was still lonely.

Hop, skip and jump to marriage number two. I truly was not lonely. Not for the first thirty-two years of the forty-two year relationship.

Past mistakes had taught me a few lessons.

I fell into the roles of fatherhood and being a husband easily. For the first time in my life I knew of love and commitment. I thrived off of the family life. I still feed off the love and bond I have with my children and my wife.

Then, as happens to many, the marriage collapsed. I became lonely for the companionship of a mate. The love of my children filled the gap somewhat. There remained that gap created by my macho man longing for bonding with a female.

After the collapse of marriage number two I remained lonely for a decade. No dating. Not even “one night stands.”

Then I encountered a beautiful soul of a woman and I fell truly in love. A love like no other I had in my prior life.

Alas, like all the other times in my life, it ended with me being lonely. I had been single far too long and could not live as husband and wife.

The damage of my youth and my past attempts at marriage had manufactured a detrimental construct within me.

That love remains strong to this day. We are no longer together as a lovers couple. Our relationship has since metamorphosed into a strong bond of friendship.

Which I respect and appreciate. Yet, I also despise and resent that for reasons I shall never discover or understand, I am destined to die a man with no current spouse or companion.

To quote Elton John, “Where to now, Saint Peter?”

Love remains in my life. True love.

Companionship, however, has dissipated into the cold fog of loneliness. Swept out to sea in a dark whirling mass of broken heartedness and disparity.

I learned over the past six and a half decades that not everyone will find that one soul. That companion with whom you will live happily for all your days.

Not everyone is destined to live a “Leave It To Beaver” or “Father Knows Best” lifestyle.

Modern society has designated marriage as “disposable.” (Unfortunately.)

You can, may or will find what you believe to be “True love“.

What you may never find is “Everlasting love.”

Society has changed from the days of yore. We have purposely built a world where enough is never enough. Each and everyday we are under a constant bombardment of “Earn more, spend more, hoard more“. No matter what amount you gather it will never be sufficient.

Think back to your youth.

Remember how your teenage mind had set a goal of becoming a millionaire like ‘The Kennedy Clan’ or ‘Howard Hughes’?

Now there are millionaires galore. In past days we would never have conceived of anyone becoming a “Billionaire.”

How could anyone earn such wealth?” Now such wealth does not surprise us in the least.

Getting back to Elton’s question.

My response to that is my destination in life dictates a hope for a better tomorrow, a walk away from days past, a dance in today’s Light and love all others be them friend or foe.

Am I a lonely single or am I singularly alone?

Remember I tell you this ……

I am singularly alone as a single man. Sadly.

I have resigned myself to this as fact. It is what it is and that it is.