I Get Lonely

You are wrong if you have the belief that I am always smiling and upbeat.

I get lonely at times.

Often, actually.

Although, I must admit that I do manage to smile, somewhat, seeking out the humor, twisted at times, in all my life’s moments.

That’s the me that I see when in the mirror I peek.

Life is a series of seasons. From the sprouts of the beginning, heating all summer long, to the shedding of leaves during a fall and ending with Winter upon us all.

The springtime of my youth was a drug and alcohol infused Nantucket Sleigh Ride.

A reckless, self destructing saga of puberty, oppositional defiance and absence of consequence.

The ‘Spring‘ of my life in motion and emotion.

Midway came ‘Summers‘ of lustful love. The body warmed by the hormones flow.

The ‘mating season‘ of the hunter / gatherer.

Find mate. Feed mate. Mate mate.

Objectivity and problem solving influenced by the quota of copulation versus the ‘White Apes‘ tub thumping.

A period of life where family came first. At all costs. Even when emotional poverty was the norm.

Friendships were many, if generosity was plenty. Too many for most.

Being the popular host.

During this period home a flux and perpetual swirl of activity.  My wife and our children living with the bonds of family and the chaos of living such.

Friendships often were measured by empty liquor containers and rolling papers burned. Close friends benefit from your wages earned.

Often times it, life, bothered me not.  Simply played the cards I was dealt. Caring less how I felt.

On occasion the constant hum emanating from the beehive of activity, combined with the forever presence of friends, would become the Horns of Babbel.

And momentary bouts of Darkness ensue. Stop, tuck and roll. Lest be tooled and fooled.

The real and the true sitting next to those who wished they were you. Becoming their presence a nagging array of nuisance.

Without a care tempers may flare. Aimed at those who sit and stare.

This, the time of youthful beliefs of invincibility.   Above reproach and manly at best. Believing you better than rest.

That age that upon reflection you realize that truth be told you were often cocky and bold.

Then next the Autumn of your years arrive.

The age where you do or you don’t.

Recollections of days gone past hold treasures deep.

Your mates fade away from your table each night. Some fade left and others right.

You sit with face a grin. Not  caring is not a sin.

Take no guilt in feeling delight reclaiming time for your own life at night.

You discover serenity in the quietness of knowing what’s right. Always at peace knowng you are long past your final fight.

Those friendships fading out of sight.

Grayed out silhouettes in the flight of night.

Yes, I get lonely. Not tonight.

Geriatric as I be.

I know life bettered for me.

All those talks with the treasured elders of my youth came back with the  ages. Subtle scribbles on past life’s pages.

Subliminal messages of lessons learned and detailed steps of life yearned.

When reminiscing years long past, there is a quote I will speak of fast.

It’s deep message often seems so right and it’s meaning suits me this night.

“I was so much older then. I am younger than that now.”

It is true that I do get lonely at times.

I am only human after all. 

Now my life is in it’s ‘Autumn‘ or ‘Fall‘, I enjoy the fact that I am here at all.

From all experiences gathered throughout life, I have realized humbleness and the necessity of living right.

Three seasons in the Suns of Life lived. Each unique in their individuality and all taught lessons best learned.

I do get lonely.  Especially at night.

For next season of life so dear, is the ending of all the years.

Life’s ‘Winter‘, sauntering my way.

The final acclimation of all days.

If I am to be judged worthy and true, then many days more I may share ….

With you.