NEW G-TUBE AND FINAL ASSESSMENTS

I had my g-tube implanted yesterday. This one is for life. I am still eating normal foods that I can tolerate. It is painful.

Eventually the cancer will destroy my tongue and esphogus and then the gtube will be a necessity.

After a very long and deep consultation with my Treatment Team we decided that it is best I remain as an inpatient.

This gives them the time and opportunity to run a battery of tests and thorough scans to come up with a timeline which will give us a rough idea how long my body can handle this beating.

I feel relieved in a way. I imagine it is a type of ‘closure’. A heavy yoke of fears and anxieties have been lifted from my shoulders.

Still, I bear the guilt of what this has done to my family and my friends.

Yes for sure. It has been a very emotional trip.

Not a pleasent one for any of us by far.

But at least I can pick the time and the way. When that time is here.

With the care I am receiving now I can honestly say I know I have a few months maybe longer.

I am glad I am off the Fentanyl and morphine. It was just an affiction no man wants or needs. It was not helping with the pain.

Just 8mgs of hydromorphone (Dilaudid), every four hours and a break through medication on top of that is what we have found works the best.

I do not carry the ‘fear’ any longer. Nor the ‘‘suicidal‘ tendencies.

I discovered early on that there are stages to the cancer battle.

I have gone through “DENIAL, ANGER, DEPRESSION, SUICIDIAL, ACCEPTENCE and RAGE” . I suspect there are more stages yet to go through.

Tomorrow will tell more. In the morning I will open that door.