Christmas Joy Does Not Reside In My Heart

Christmas is a season of joy and family togetherness for most families.

Not so, for my family.

Christmas at LightHouse Dann’s is marred with a traumatic childhood, suicides and murder.

I was 22 years old when I finally got to meet my biological mother, Mary.

The Mother/Child instinctual bond grew strong and fast.

Sadly, it would not last.

We finally met in the autumn of 1979.

I was fresh out of Dorchester Federal Prison.

At the time, my Mom, Mary Verner, had recently evicted her lowlife, leeching, alcoholic boyfriend, Robert George Stephenson from, not only her home, but also from her life.

Her new, sober, life.

Long story short, I shared twenty months of love with her.

Mom was the happiest woman in the world as she attended my marriage to my first wife, Michele, on May 16th, 1981.

That Wedding went very well.

Your ‘atypical downhome‘ family event with the only sadness being we only had one day to celebrate.

She was far more ecstatic to spend our honeymoon with Michele and I.

Returning home on July 13th, 1981 Stephenson, who had broke into Mom’s place and laid in wait for her, ambushed her.

With a boning knife.

Leaving her for dead.

Her intestines laid beside her on the livingroom floor.

Mom fought for her life.

On August 1st, 1981 she lost that fight and succumbed to sepsis.

The 17 days she managed to stay alive after her stabbing were an absolute horror story. Definitely for her and also for my brother, sister and myself.

The only positive out of that scenario was that we were gifted with enough time to say our “Good-byes”.

My brother returned to his home in Switzerland.

My schizophrenic sister lapsed into her make believe world – never to return.

Me?

I became a different person that day.

The deathbed conversation I was to have with Mom on her final day was to unwillingly vow to her that I would not, under any circumstances, go after Robert Stephenson.

Mom made me vow not to go to prison for life for revenge killing him.

I often wish that I had never made that promise to Mom.

To this day, I carry the yoke of not seeking out that revenge of her murder as an albatross around my very soul.

My only solace out of this whole tragic scenario, was seeing the joy in Mom’s only eye as Michele and I said our vows.

Life went on until December 14, 1997 when my older brother, Ernie, committed suicide in his home in Davos, Switzerland.

Leaving no note or prior warning has subsequently left a massive emptiness in my soul.

As something that I did many, many times throughout my life, I found myself looking to the Heavens and asking the “Cosmic Mufin” a simple question.

“Why?”

The reason or reasons he chose to end his life we will never know.

Ernie took his Demon’s secrets with him across the River Styx to his perception of his Valhalla.

Due to the chaos of our individual “Childhoods of Hell” and then the paths of those damaged lives the three of us were not close. We were more like cousins than being siblings.

Despite rarely speaking to each other I was very proud of Ernie for becoming the Taekwondo legend he had become.

Here is an excerpt from his International Taekwondo ‘Hall of Fame’ tribute page ……

“Sabum Ernst Verner studied Taekwon-Do in Canada under Grandmaster Park Jong Soo, 8th Dan.

He was then tasked by Park Jong Soo with popularizing Taekwon-Do in Switzerland.
In 1982, Sabum Ernest Verner came to Switzerland and opened his first dojang in Chur.

Two years later, he also began teaching Taekwon-Do in Davos.

In 1987, he established close contact with the ITF headquarters in Vienna, and shortly thereafter, we became the first club in Switzerland to join the ITF.

That same year, we were invited to the World Youth Festival in North Korea.

Ernie was a fantastic instructor who taught us, above all, to push ourselves beyond our limits.

This led to him laying the foundation for the great success of Taekwondo in Davos and Graubünden.
He will remain unforgettable in our hearts.”

As far as the country is concerned.”

As much as we bickered, (like Brothers often do), I am forever saddened by the fact that we will never know who,what, when or why Ernie decided to tie one of his blackbelts around his neck and jump over the railing of his spiral staircase.

I strongly doubt that we ever will.

Up to this point these were the most serious of the many troubles life has constantly and consistently dealt me over the years.

What happened next forever changed the very core of my soul.

Instilling a “Darkness” within me that will never dissipate.

On Christmas Morning, 2019, in a small obscure town named “Black Diamond” in Southern Alberta, Canada, my son, Delaney ‘Jordan’ McLean Verner hung himself.

On Christmas morning!

“Jordan Verner”
September 11th, 1990 – December 25th, 2919

Jordan’s battle with mental illness and addictions had finally come to an end.

At an unbelievable cost to his two sons, his common law wife, himself and every person who ever had the pleasure of calling him “Friend”.

At this time and, more importantly, for the sake of my own mental health, I think it’s best that I do not continue conversing about Jordan’s tragic death.

“Why?”

Because my tears have started to flow.

Down my face to collect in a pool of Darkness and torment beyond definition.

Writing Jordan’s biography was and always shall be the most devastating and heartbreaking thing I have ever done.

I wrote it because at times I cannot speak about it.

The pain would be too much for me to deal with at this time.

If you want a dose of actual reality then I suggest you read his biography.

(All proceeds from the sale of “Black Diamond: Bubba’s Story go to Suicide Awareness and Prevention agencies.)

That said …..

It is suffice to state that “Christmas Joy” does not reside in my heart.

Here is the link to his biography

https://a.co/d/eYfnWmd