Irritated Nipple Syndrome Season

 

Thanks to ‘Global Warming’ the extreme cold of the Winter season begins later and later each new year. Which suits me just fine, as that means that the worst chapter of the coldest season will also be delayed.

My Nipples appreciate the tardiness, for this chapter brings us the dreadful “Irritated Nipple Syndrome”.

And it is a painful and torturous experience to say the least.

Let me enlighten those of you who have no idea what ‘INS’ is and how annoyingly discomforting the symptoms are.

“Irritated Nipple Syndrome” or “INS”, for short, is believed to have started in the late 1950’s with the invention of polyester.

Prior to its invention, we wore high quality, usually hand-made, “woollen clothing”.

“Our nipples were kept warm and protected under the cover of very itchy, but super sufficient wool sweaters.

Nipples were happy little buds.

Soft and subtle little ‘pleasure buds of joy’.

As you more than likely already know, even soaking wet wool holds its insulating properties.

Then came the infiltration of cheap ‘polyester’.

Followed by severe nipple pain whenever a cold wind crossed our chest.

On the coldest of evenings, the type where you might spot some poor brass monkey who froze his balls off, the wool sweaters kept our joy knobs safe.

Frozen Brass Monkey

By the early 1970’s wool sweaters became extinct.

Poly took over.

She won the battle.

Now, when Alberta sends one of her “Clipper” winds to pearce through Poly’s cheapness, its burning cold bite makes our once happy nipples become painfully erect mini-buds of relentless discomfort.

The more we move about the more our nipples rub against the polyester top.

Each additional rub causes the annoyance to grow in power.

Growing to the point where you are willing to steal the ‘pasties’ off a burlesque’s teats to use as shields between polyester and nipple.

The wind is soon upon us.

I am prepared!

I have a stack of my finest “Joe Fresh” Hoodies and Sweatshirts on my end table.

Finest quality of cotton blend available.

Maybe not the quality of the sweaters of my younger years, but mutually sufficient to enable me to tell my nipples,

“I GOT BOTH OF YOU, BUDS.”

(Pun intended)

First symptom of INS

Campers, remember I tell you this…..

“NIPPLE LIVES MATTER”