Deja Vu of the Deja Vu of the Return of the Dreaded Irritated Nipple Syndrome Once Again

 

Every Fall I post this, as here in Canada, “Irritated Nipple Syndrome” is a cold and stark reality.

‘INS‘ is mostly caused by our fiercely harsh Canadian Northern winds and their partnership with our lust for the purchase of cheap polyester t-shirts. 

Personally I have been plagued with this horrifying disease for nigh on 68 years now!

“Fall” has arrived.

Bringing with it those damn frigid breezes!

Unfortunately, I am once again plagued with the affliction horribles of ‘INS‘.

So, I am re-publishing a blog I wrote in November 2007.

(That was also when I set my shame aside and came out of the ‘Irritated Nipple Syndrome’ closet.)

HERE IS MY ORIGINAL PUBLICATION ….
My contorted malformed outlook towards this self labeled existence known as “humanity” reveals that “Atomic Mother Earth” has had one of her seasonal menopausal temperature episodes,

“A COLD FLASH “.

Many of you are dancing in cohesion to her moods and wants.

Edging her on!

If memory does not fail me, then, I recall that not just twenty-four hours ago I was strolling the Danforth in a T-shirt and blue jeans.

I recall my endocentric annoyance at the sweat gathering in the furrow of my brow as I glinted from the warm brightness of summer comparable sunlight.

Yet, on this bright sunshiny day, “Atomic Mother Earth” has decided to plague me with the dreaded “Irritated Nipple Syndrome”.

(My whole life I suffered from “INS”)

“INS” symptoms are a debilitating and ultra-sensitive soreness of the good old human “teats“.

(You may know them to be called “TITS”)

There is nothing ever so painful as the abrasiveness of cheap blended polyester brushing to and fro upon the ultra-sensitive, and, often amusing to play with, human nipple.

Specially on a day as such where the cold bitter bite of lakefront wind has made my twin pleasure buttons stand hard and tall.

Like two minute penises declaring their existence!

In such moments I would give most anything for the feel of warm dressed cotton or, perhaps, even the sweet caress of ‘Cashmere’.

If you happen to discover that you indeed have a spare ‘real’ T-shirt, my nipples would greatly appreciate a donation of such.

For I fear the coming vengeance of the Arctic winds.

Their first gusts inspiring the opening of Canada’s winter season.

Her cold affect on my physically abused, “too-many years of heavy lifting“, body balancing me on the fringe of self inflicted cryogenics.

So, where was I headed before my nipples got in the way ….Oh Yes! I remember now …….

As “Mother Earth” begins her seasonal transformation so do we.

If so howled the crisp breeze from Lake Ontario, then, immediately your upper limbs clutch to protect the ever sensitive nipples.

Nipples appear to me as a large factor in your everyday lives.

They are something that I find very interesting.

How such a little pair of budded human tissue can hold such a great importance in daily routines is absolutely amazing.

If “Mother Earth” decides that today is to be a chilly one then instinctively your arms will protectively cover them.

Winter brings the crossing of arms and the multi-layering of various sweaters purchased through Walmart.

(The constrictions of layer upon layer of artificial body coverings and the labourious way the wearing of such creates many lost minutes of most precious time, time better spent with our nipples.)

If, in your wonderment of life, you are to have such a thought as,

“Does this happen to the male of the species?”

I can assure you and your curiosity with definite affirmation for I am living proof.

We Males, do in fact, suffer the same fate.

Although, due to infantile imbedded social expectations, we bravely, with no sign of pain, appear invincible to the effects of exposing our nipples to “INS”.

Hiding our shame.

I, alone, may be the only exception to the rule.

For, I, without modesty, bravely announce to you all that,

 “I have Irritated Nipple Syndrome!”

(Being a poor senior citizen and Cancer Warrior, I have no decent, and neither can I afford to purchase, a‘real’ T-shirt.)

Due to financial restrictions, Polyester is my only choice!

I embarrassingly admit that I may in fact need your charity.

In order that I may have a cotton T-shirt to not only protect my nipples but also keep me warm throughout the coming attack of winter.

(Hint, hint I take a man’s medium, because “The Cosmic Muffin” puts great things in handsome packages.(Inbox me for my address, lol)

If perchance you have a spare cotton t-shirt I would be forever grateful if you were to donate them. You may send me a DM for the address.

The above mentioned observations have made me realize that by looking out my window and watching these humanoid lifeforms conduct their daily routines and dances, I can accurately determine the weather by how greatly the female Homo Sapient is clutching her breastplate.

Such a simple but relatively accurate method of predetermining the weather.

The colder the temperature the tighter they wrap their arms over their breasts.

On the Mothership we are forced to depend on the science of meteorology and our daily session watching the universal weather channel on our installed satellite dish.

With the lack of nipples I find that station extremely and repetitively boring!

I bid you all a warm day in the physical and the emotional sense.