Delaney “Jordan” McLean Verner
Christmas was once my favourite time of the year.
That is not how it is any longer.
Beginning on Christmas morning, 2019, Christmas became the saddest time of the year for my family.
The picture posted above is that of my second born son, Delaney “Jordan” McLean Verner.
Family always called him “Bubba”.
Everyone else knew him as “Jordan”.
On Christmas morning 2019, in an obscure Alberta town called “Black Diamond“, Jordan lost his lifelong battle with mental illness and drug addiction.
Me?
I lost my religion.
At the time Jordan and his common-law wife, Kaitlyn, were taken in to the home of a good Samaritan couple.
They had been homeless and stranded. Living in their out of fuel car.
They had been staying in the couple’s home for a week.
And then …
Sometime during Christmas morning’s early hours, Jordan went into their laundry room, stood on a little table, tied an extension cord around his neck and kicked the table away.
(What I just told you plays in a constant loop in my mind all day, every day since I received the call.)
In our home the Christmas season is now more like “Mes de los Muertos”.
Previously I stated that I had lost my religion.
That is not actually true.
Just so you know ….
I lost my religion the first day I started Catholic School.
My opinion is that ALL religions are cult based.
Some good, some not so good and most as evil as Hades itself.
But, that’s a topic for another day.
At the time of Bubba’s death I had been battling Squamous Cell Carcinoma and oropharyngeal cancer for a year.
A battle that was accompanied by numerous complications and surgeries.
A battle I am still fighting.
I am luckier than Bubba was.
He lost his battle.
Now I must live with “survivor’s guilt.
(And I do.)
Like every parent says when they lose a child,
“Why him? Why not me?”
Who are we asking?
An invisible ‘God‘?
“Ourselves“?
Makes no difference who.
No one is going to answer.
Dwelling on who’s the blame will drive you insane.
I know, because I am crazy.
What makes Christmas so dark for me is that the majority of people are running around filled with the excitement of the season.
As they rightfully should be doing!
There will be those who do not know my story that will wish me …
“A Merry Christmas!”
So as not to steal their shine and drag them into the darkness of my sadness
I will nod my head in acceptance and respond,
“And a Merry Christmas to you and yours!”
(For I do not wish the sadness that I feel upon anyone else.)
So,
my dear friends,
“Merry, Merry Christmas!”
Post Script …..
(ALL PROCEEDS OF JORDAN’S BIOGRAPHY GOES TO SUICIDE PREVENTION.)
To assure my “Bubba” will never be forgotten and, more importantly, to get past that dreadful Christmas morning, I decided to tell his life story as truthfully as possible.
Every single keystroke came with a thousand tears.
Here is the link to his story …
https://a.co/d/ewji3zT
Comments
Post a Comment
Your opinion means much to me - we all have one, so, please, leave a comment....Namaste'