A Hippie's Housecleaning Cheat

 My satirical side and I are going to share our perfect method of cutting out ninety-nine percent of your housecleaning time and labour.

I kid you not!

I was taught the method many years ago from my “Brother-From-Another-Mother”.

He had a brilliant mind that was constantly coming up with offside theories, inventive ideas and such.

Oddly always coinciding with when we were tripping out on LSD.

Which made it far more trippy.

(What a coincidence, eh?)

Here’s the method he devised …

“Believe me, it’s as easy as changing a lightbulb”

ACTUALLY,

It ‘IS’ changing a lightbulb.

Step One,

Count and catalog all the lightbulbs in your home.

Step Two,

Purchase replacement sets of those “Long Lasting 5 year ” bulbs – In each of the following wattages, 100 – 60 – 40 and 25 watts.

Step Three,

At ridiculously high wages, (so they do a good job), hire two neighbourhood “Free Basing Betty’s” and an overly annoying “Barstool Benny” to scrub your place from the baseboards up.

Most Betty’s and Benny’s will do a great job for the right price in hopes of recurring opportunities to earn an honest wage.

(For safety’s sake, I would not leave them alone, though.)

Step Four,

Once the cleansing is finished, replace every lightbulb in your place with the set of 100 watt bulbs.

Step Five,

Simply “WAIT”.

(You will easily know when to go on to Step Six)

Go about your daily life as you always have, until you notice a layer of dust. A judgment call on your part will decide if your home is unclean or not.

If the answer is “unclean”, proceed to the next step.

(By now depending upon your household one, two or three months may have past.)

Step Six,

This step can be thought of as “systematic maintenance” and extremely easy to complete.

Remove all your 100 watt bulbs.

As you remove them, replace each one with a “60” watt bulb.

NEXT …..

Make like Fleetwood Mac’s sweet “Stevie Nicks” and ….

“STAND BACK, STAND BACK”

To the middle of the room.

“See the difference?”

Guaranteed you cannot see the dust as you did before!

“How ‘brilliant’ is this?”

(Although dimmer is better.)

In less than five minutes you have cleaned your home!

Next you,

“RELAX AND WAIT AGAIN.”

Go about your life as you did in Step Five.

When you can notice a layer of dust has settled, make a judgment call and decide if it’s time to clean.

(Depending upon your household’s cleanliness one, two or three months may pass.)

Step Seven,

Repeat Step Six but with a slight variance. As you remove the “60” watt bulbs you replace them with “40” watt bulbs.

Now ….

“STAND BACK, STAND BACK”

Amazingly you can not see the accumulative uncleanliness.

You have cleaned your home!

Step Eight,

Go about your daily life until you notice that filthy “Dust Bunnies” once again have invaded your home.

Leaving a haze of “Bunny Dander” through out your humble abode.

In One, two or three more months it will be time to start over from Step One.

You have nearly completed learning the method.

Until then, Step Eight is far more “brilliant” than any of the previous steps were.

(Although in a far, far, far more dimmer of ways.)

HERE CAMPER, IS THE FINAL LESSON IN HIPPIE HOUSECLEANING.

“I must say that this eighth lesson teaches how something so complexly simple can make an unwanted task so easily rectified.

For this final task you will,

“RELAX AND WAIT AGAIN.”

(Depending upon your household’s lack of cleanliness one, two or three months will have passed.)

The brilliance of this final step’s simplicity is going to give you a vrain fart!

Repeat Step Seven but replace the “40” watt bulbs with “25” watt refrigerator bulbs.

TALK ABOUT “THROWING SHADE” ON AN OPPONENT!

Under the radiance of those unmighty “25” watts your uncleanliness will vanish before your very eyes!

THANK ME LATER, CAMPERS!